Fathers day , a cautionary tale

"The Mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation" I used to throw that quote out there all the time.I used it to justify why my lifestyle didn't conform to my peers. I was doing what I wanted to do, Living on my own terms while they sacrificed to raise a family. I was the smart one all right. However I saw something today that gave me what the folks at the AA meetings call "A moment of clarity".Something that made me realize that I was more or less rationalizing a big lie I was telling myself. I was celebrating Fathers day at my sisters house with my 87 year old father and my younger sister. I ran out the store to grab a bag of ice and while there I saw something I would normally ignore or pay little attention to. Maybe it was because it was fathers day I stopped and took notice of . It was a family, 4 kids a Young mother & father out for a bike ride and they stopped at the store for Ice cream bars. As I watched I had an odd sensation, like when you were a kid and Mom was chewing you out about something you screwed up and you couldn't look her in the eye and she grabbed you by the chin and forced you to. I watched this family For maybe a minute and I realized the opportunity I had squandered Fathers day wasn't this young guys reward for raising a family. He wasn't looking for a thank you from the kids for all he does. This was a day this guy could devote exclusively to enjoying his children. He gets to admire something he helped create, Something far more important than himself. Maybe even pat himself on the back a little bit for a job well done so far. He knows he'll never be done, that's why he goes to the crappy job every day. That's why he works overtime to make extra money for Christmas and vacation. So he can squeeze a few more days like this out of life. His is not a quiet desperation, it is a purposeful sacrifice for a goal greater than the freedom to do what you wish when you wish. And that's where I pooched it. On the scale of bad decisions mine is on par with "New Coke" I've had some of this swirling around my head for a while but today was that card you flip in solitare and the whole game rolls over in your favor. I used to tell myself I was living my life my way and to an extent that's true. But it's also been the path of least resistance.Here I am at 47 with nothing to show for it. Sure my friends love me and miss me when I don't come around for a while. But that ain't the same thing. I can now admit, I'm a little jealous of my best friend Dennis whose nightly routine involves checking in on each of his sleeping kids before he goes off to bed. Today I realized Thoreau was trying to tell me something,